Sleepover
by variousflumps
Summary: She's never seen her sleep before. She likes it.


The first time it happens, Alicia comes dangerously close to panic. She stops stroking the back of Kalinda's neck and lies motionless on the couch, wondering what the hell to do. There's total silence in the room except for the deep, even breathing of the woman in her arms.

Who's fallen asleep.

Alicia's never, ever seen her sleep before. It's so _unlike_ her.

After 10 seconds of internal debate Alicia gets her brain working again and realizes that Kalinda isn't actually going to kill her if she lets her sleep for a while.

But it still seems subversive, somehow. It's the complete vulnerability of falling asleep in someone's arms. The trust.

Alicia finds that she enjoys the heck out of being with Kalinda like this. She's warm, and soft, and calm. She looks so young, and so pretty, and just…free. Like an earlier, softer version of herself, before the world taught her to fight.

When she wakes up ten minutes later, they pretend it hasn't happened. Alicia waits a polite few minutes before she suggests another drink, and Kalinda agrees with her usual casual acceptance.

It's only when they're extracting themselves from the couch and each other that it feels a little awkward; a sudden elephant in the corner that they studiously avoid mentioning.

When Alicia returns from the kitchen with a new bottle of wine she sits carefully on the couch and gives Kalinda her space. Kalinda drinks too much wine and doesn't try to seduce her, for the first night in weeks. Alicia would be offended if she didn't know the cause.

The second time lasts longer. They're in the bedroom this time, lying on the covers, snuggling and watching a film. Well, Alicia's trying to snuggle, and Kalinda's resisting and stiff, pretending that she doesn't like the closeness, pretending that Alicia's being silly. Alicia doesn't let her win though, and gathers her in her arms anyway.

Kalinda eventually relaxes, and after a while she stops replying to Alicia's questions about the film, and then a little while later…Alicia can feel the change in her body this time, a tiny release of control, and she pulls Kalinda in a little tighter, wraps her arms a little more firmly.

The film has long since ended when Kalinda finally wakes. Alicia can feel this change too, a slow stir to wakefulness. They can't ignore it this time.

"Sweet dreams?" she says quietly.

"What time is it?"

"Almost eleven."

"I should get going."

Alicia holds her even closer and takes a risk.

"Stay a little longer."

Kalinda moves away, smiles an enigmatic smile, and puts her boots on. Alicia knows better than to argue with the boots.

Still. She starts planning for a whole night of sleeping Kalinda.

She thinks of a number of plans, most of which get immediately dismissed. She's hampered by the fact that they haven't actually made love yet, so she can't ask Kalinda to stay over without inviting things that she isn't quite ready for.

Plan one involves humor – have a girlie sleepover with chocolate and sleeping bags and giggling.

No.

Plan two involves subterfuge – get Kalinda to her apartment, make her stay late, get her in her arms and caress the parts of her that seem to make her fall asleep (her hair, the back of her neck). But she knows that Kalinda would hate the morning after.

So plan three involves truth. The next time Kalinda is at her place, after the meal and the wine and the make-out session that heats her blood, Alicia just asks.

"Stay here tonight."

Kalinda looks at her in surprise, and then pleasure.

"I mean…not to…just to sleep. I'd really like it if…we just…slept together. Just the sleeping. If you want to."

It had been rather more articulate in any one of the nine different versions she'd been rehearsing in her head. Kalinda has now carefully masked her expression, and for some reason this feels bigger than their other moments; bigger than the kiss, the first date. Is she asking for too much?

"You prefer me unconscious?"

Alicia smiles. Jokes are a good sign. "Not prefer. I like you conscious and unconscious. Equally."

Kalinda smiles a little and looks down at the carpet. Alicia wants to tell her that she'd never, ever hurt her, that she's safe, she'll protect her, watch over her. As if Kalinda needed protecting. (Although sometimes, sometimes, Alicia thinks that she does.)

"I…don't usually…do that."

"You're bionic?"

"I don't stay over, I mean."

"Right. OK." It hurts more than it should do, for someone she's been seeing for three weeks who hasn't even gotten her into bed yet. What's worse is that she knows exactly why it hurts. She wants to be Kalinda's exception, and there's no way that can end well. Alicia gets to her feet and starts towards the kitchen.

"Wait…I'll stay."

Alicia turns round, worried. "Not if you don't want to."

"I want to. I just don't, usually. So I'm telling you I don't. That's all."

Alicia feels a slow smile spread across her face. "Well, I appreciate that. I don't usually let people stay over."

"No? How many?"

Alicia's smile fades; that's a question she'd been hoping to avoid for quite a while yet. "Not many."

"Alicia? How many?" Oh God, and now she knows something's up and she'll never let it drop.

"One."

"One? Just Peter?" She can hear Kalinda's disbelief.

Alicia nods.

"But you mean stay over afterwards, right?"

Alicia shakes her head slowly, bracing herself for the reaction when her girlfriend realizes that she is inadvertently dating the least sexually experienced forty-two year-old in Chicago.

"Oh. I…Will?"

"Nope. The timing was never…I met Peter and…nope."

"Oh." And that's an odd little expression on Kalinda's face. She almost looks…affectionate. Fond.

"I don't have anything to wear. For the sleeping."

"I can lend you a t-shirt. It'll be practically a nightshirt on you anyway."

Kalinda gives her a look, but says, "OK."

So an hour later they're in bed in the darkness. Not touching, not talking, just breathing together in the quiet. Alicia sneaks a look at Kalinda and she sees she's lying on her back. She looks tiny in the large bed, in her too-big shirt. She's taken her hair down, taken her make-up off. She looks five years younger, and tiny.

"Kalinda?"

"Mmm?"

"I didn't actually mention this, but I was expecting snuggling too. Just so we're clear."

A pause, a rustle of sheets, and then a body in her arms.

"Well that's much better."

No reply. And it isn't, actually, much better. Kalinda's body feels tense and uncomfortable. Alicia wonders whether she's made a big mistake. She ponders her options: send her home? Try to have a Serious Talk? Tell her a bedtime story?

She starts stroking the back of her neck. Kalinda relaxes a little, but not enough.

"Why don't you usually stay over?"

It's out of her mouth before she can stop it, and as it soon as it's out it sounds like the worst possible thing she could have said that wasn't "Marry me, my darling". She braces herself for an answer or an escape.

"Why've you only slept with one person?"

"Because I met Peter when I was 20. Your turn."

A pause. An awful, stomach-clenching pause, and this has to get easier, it has to.

"Because I like my own space."

"OK."

It's kind of an obvious answer, but at least it's an answer. Her misbehaving brain comes up with the obvious next question, but she's determined to keep this one quiet.

"Aren't you going to ask?"

"Ask what?"

"You know what."

She should have known it was a bad idea to date someone who could practically read her mind.

"Am I allowed to ask?"

"Yeah."

"Then I'm asking."

"Because I trust you."

Well, that's good, right? It feels a little…but it's good, definitely. Good to be trusted.

"I trust you, too." She kisses the top of Kalinda's head. "We should get some sleep."

They lie together for five minutes, maybe ten. Nobody's sleeping. Nobody moves.

"Alicia?"

"Mmm?"

"You know that I…you're not…I mean…" A big sigh.

Alicia kisses the top of her head again.

"I just, I don't want you to think…I'm not just…Jesus, I can't do this stuff."

Kalinda tries to get up, but Alicia won't let her out of her arms. "Hey, hey, it's OK, it's OK. Come back here, it's OK. No-one's really good at this stuff, Kalinda, we'll just muddle through it like everyone else, OK?"

Another sigh, but she allows Alicia to keep hold of her. "OK."

Alicia tightens her arms around her. "Get some sleep now. We can muddle some more in the morning."

Kalinda manages a small smile, and Alicia feels a hand slide gingerly around her waist. They're quiet for a while, and Alicia is just beginning to fall asleep, when…

"I don't usually date women like you."

"Um…women like me?"

"Yeah. Nice girls."

Ouch. Alicia tries hard not to take that as an insult. She doesn't succeed, so she doesn't say anything.

"Did that sound…I didn't mean to be…"

"No, no. I know what you meant."

"That was a compliment, Alicia. I usually date people like me. I can't remember the last time I even met someone like you. You're so…"

"Nice?"

Kalinda sits up a little, leans on her elbow and gazes down at her.

"I've offended you."

"No, it's OK. I just…everybody thinks I'm a good girl."

"You are a good girl."

"They don't mean it as a compliment. They're saying I'm boring. The cool kids are out having fun and I'm sat at home learning to crochet. They mean I'm dull."

"You are not remotely dull. You're so…I'm not saying I'm having trouble with your dullness. I'm saying…the opposite."

"I'm...not quite sure what that means."

Kalinda stares down at the sheets. "It means...It's not usually like this for me. I mean...this exciting. Just from...this, just from...dating."

A stuttered, flustered confession, and Alicia feels it like a single red rose.

"That's a lovely thing to say."

There's silence for a long time, but when Kalinda finally meets her gaze again a new spark has appeared in her eyes.

"You know what the best part is about dating a good girl?"

Alicia raises her eyebrows.

"I get to corrupt you."

Alicia laughs. "That sounds about right."

Kalinda reaches out a hand and gently traces a tender path across Alicia's cheek. "I'm enjoying corrupting you."

Alicia smiles. "I'm enjoying my corruption."

Kalinda's fingers move to her lips, and the whisper-soft touch sets her nerve endings alight. "There's a lot more to come, you know. A lot more."

Alicia swallows. "I look forward to it."

Kalinda leans down and gently brushes her lips against Alicia's. After a few seconds they sink into a deeper kiss, and when they finally separate after several long minutes Alicia is keenly aware of the fact that they're alone in her apartment. In nightclothes. In bed.

A war breaks out between her head and her body, until Kalinda smiles at her and lies down again.

Alicia's half relieved, and half really, really not.

"Alicia?"

"Mmm?"

"Promise me you don't know how to crochet."

"Sure I do. I'll make you a bonnet. Go to sleep now."

She can feel Kalinda relax in her arms now, really relax. Maybe for the first time with her. Maybe for the first time in a long time.

Alicia lets out a contented sigh, wraps her arms a little tighter, and falls into a deep, untroubled sleep.


End file.
